Great soldiers, talented people. Their death was a great loss for the Republic of Poland. It would be detrimental to nominate them for the Darwin Prize, as it is awarded for purging the genetic pool of idiots, but ... well, "but".
Prince Michał Zasławski, or never fall asleep with your gun loaded
He was a great warrior who in the middle of the 16th century watched over the inhabitants of Volhynia, which was tormented by the Tatars. Zasławski beat the invaders nicely . Whenever he got the news that the enemy was close, he smiled confident in victory.
He spent three years on horseback or in a tent, without visiting his home, guarding the end of the Jagiellonian monarchy. The end of his war was tragic . As Niesiecki writes in "Herbarz Polski":
Pagan insistence could not break with any force, a hit with regret defeated everyone violently. Riding, for in a cart, he fell asleep; and holding the rifle in his hand, when he turned it towards him less carefully, and he released the visited cock, the bullet pierced his breast to death and tore his life out .
No image of Prince Michał Zasławski has survived. We don't even know the date of his death. Currently, he is only mentioned in the context of Bartłomiej Nowodworski (source:public domain).
Prince Michał Zasławski is remembered by history not because of his war merits or unfortunate death, the date of which does not even appear in the studies. Under his wings, the taste of war was met by the young nobleman Bartłomiej Nowodworski, later the best specialist in explosions in the Republic of Poland, who, thanks to his pyrotechnic skills, opened the gates of Smolensk to the Polish army.
Stanisław Koniecpolski, or do not overdo it with potency remedies
At the beginning of January 1646 Grand Hetman of the Crown Stanisław Koniecpolski took part in an important conference in Warsaw . There, he presented his position on the plans for a war with Turkey. He first wanted, in alliance with Russia, to liquidate the Crimean Khanate. By the way, he intended to marry one of the Polish princes with the Tsarina, and what if he could be seated on the Moscow throne.
In the war, he also intended to use the Zaporozhian Cossacks. After defeating the Tatars, the Commonwealth, together with Russia and Venice, was to take over Moldavia, Wallachia, and maybe Transylvania …
The Hetman had momentum, but unlike King Władysław IV, who could come up with such fantastic ideas as an expedition to Istanbul and liberating the Balkan Slavs, he kept his feet firmly on the ground.
A week after the Warsaw conference, 52-year-old Koniecpolski married 25-year-old Zofia Opalińska, sister of the Poznań voivode - and a well-known poet - Krzysztof Opaliński. Opaliński wrote about his new brother-in-law: he is extremely pleased with his wife, not only to me, but to all friends, he tells the plethora . The queen's happiness did not last long though .
As the well-known poem proclaimed: At night, warm up with your wife, / When these wonders do not serve, / Take the comforts! Konfortatywa is the then equivalent of the "blue tablet" , potion increasing potency. Unfortunately, the queen did not use it in moderation.
Mr. Stanisław Koniecpolski (...) died (...) a few Sundays after being married from the discomfort, which he was taking for his young wife, and with whom he was exaggerated, because the pharmacist gave him a few times, what he took together, and so his life was done by his age - noted the contemporary diarist.
The Republic of Poland lost its great leader at its worst. After Koniecpolski's death, there was no commander of his size or even a talent similar to him. The plans to liquidate the Crimean Khanate in alliance with Russia and with the use of the Cossacks failed.
The Grand Hetman of the Crown, Stanisław Koniecpolski, recovers at Halicz from the hands of the Tatars, who were taken in the hands of the citizens of the Republic of Poland. Painting by Henryk Rodakowski (source:public domain).
Two years after the death of the hetman, the Cossacks, supported first by the Tatars and later also by the Russians, revolted. The situation turned 180 degrees to the detriment of the Republic of Poland . If Koniecpolski had lived, would history have turned out differently?
Samuel Komorowski or too long scarf and the wheel of a cola
October 20, 1659, Castle in Grobin. Bogusław Radziwiłł throws a wonderful feast . The prince supported the Swedes during the Deluge, but as soon as the situation changed, how did the racial politician adapt to the circumstances. He even helped the Commonwealth to cleanse Samogitia and Courland from the Scandinavian invaders.
After one of the next successes, Radziwiłł decided that it was a good opportunity to organize a party with interest among friends. He invited the most important Polish commanders in this episode of military operations - Aleksander Hilary Połubiński and Samuel Komorowski .
The latter made a mark in the battles with Russians, Cossacks and Swedes, and because he still had a suitable origin - he quickly climbed the career ladder, reaching the dignity of a Lithuanian itinerant. As we read in one of the herbariums: he did not miss from his youth until his death; he was a captain and a happy colonel.
Be careful with your kolasa journeys as you might end up like Samuel Komorowski. The picture shows a noble leaving the colony (source:public domain).
No wonder then that during the feast at Radziwiłł's, he did not pour him under his collar. At one point, either he himself stated that it was time to roll up, or someone else decided that it was high time to deliver Komorowski to the Polish camp. The unconscious reveler was put in a cola. Unfortunately, he was wearing a long scarf that got tangled in circles. And so the great soldier suffocated.
Józef Zaremba, or love of bathing can be lethal
Józef Zaremba, Marshal of the Bar Confederation, was a huge fan of bathing . When he found out about the new "dry bath" model, he immediately wanted to have one. Although the carpenter explained that she was not ready yet, Zaremba insisted on him. To your loss.
We owe a detailed account of the longed-for Zaremba bath and its tragic death to Jędrzej Kitowicz. He wrote:
The top closed at the top of the neck, so that only the head protruded over the bathtub, the whole person was closed; infused with spirits, he was sweating in the bathtub. He was wrapped around his neck with towels to keep steam from coming out. A little booze, seasoned for the same tub, was thrown on a brick fired in a vessel with an earthenware on the bottom of the tub, which, while frying on a brick, enveloped the sitter with warm steam.
In order for the marshal to be able to enjoy this invention, it took two men:a butler pouring alcohol through a funnel into a pipe, and a bollard shining a light for the butler. On the fatal day, the bum was either in a hurry somewhere, or he wanted to make a stupid joke. He lashed the candle flame to the butler who dropped the flask into the funnel - and the booze burst into great fire .
Zaremba tried to get out of the tub, screaming out loud, but the lid snapped open. His brother unwrapped the towel that was tied around the poor man's neck. The effect was terrible - bursting flames covered the entire face of the nobleman . Immediately after that, his greasy hair took care of it.
Only one of the visiting guests burst into the room with an ax and chopped the tub, freeing Zaremba. The poor fellow was quickly covered with cream and yeast, wrapped in sheets and towels.
Józef Zaremba on an 18th-century drawing by Johann Martin Willa (source:public domain).
The unfortunate lover of bathing wanted to summon the priest, but his brother dissuaded him from this thought, convincing him that there was no need to panic. He advised you to drink vodka instead . Zaremba, for liking vodka, obeyed his brother:but as soon as he had drunk a glass, he immediately began to get worse. When the priest arrived, the former marshal of the Bar Confederation was already unconscious. He died moments later.
The Darwin Prize is an expression of black humor, and the stories presented above are undoubtedly tragic. Zasławski, Koniecpolski, Komorowski, Zaremba ... these were not just nobles, but outstanding figures, meritorious for the Republic of Poland. Especially the death of Hetman Koniecpolski was a tragedy for the whole country - and who knows if it did not determine his fate to a large extent.