Many women have become enchanted by Nazi ideology. They dreamed of becoming the wives of handsome SS men, and collected the documents necessary to confirm the purity of the race. And they often accompanied their husbands to work in extermination camps ...
How excited I am! The heart beats like crazy, losing its rhythm every now and then. I alternately feel this cold, this hot, and I can't sit still. Not more than a month ago, my dear Hans finally proposed to me. I dreamed about this moment for months, then losing hope, then clinging to my dreams that this day would finally come, and naively imagining this special moment in an exceptionally romantic and pompous version.
Meanwhile, as is usually the case, it happened at the most unexpected moment and was by no means particularly lyrical. Without flowers and champagne, no rainbow appeared in the sky, and the angelic choirs did not sing solemnly. However, when faced with this miraculous decision for life, it turned out to be the least important. And although I probably should not be surprised, because I had been expecting it for weeks, when, after a hearty dinner with my parents, with good wine and delicious fruitcake in the main roles, Hans gallantly knelt in front of me on our terrace, I was speechless.
Life in times of war
It was a pleasant, warm evening. Muffled light filtered through the gaps in the green velvet curtain of the great parlor window, where the parents were sipping tea with the Kügels. The gentlemen, as usual, with cigars in their hands, sipping heavy brandy, deliberated on what was happening at the front and who should be more supportive of the military, and made plans to include Mr. Kügel's small textile factory in Hitler's intricate plan. Franz, with a flushed face, counted the potential profits that appeared on the horizon of socio-economic change, and the father, a pharmacist with a long tradition, kissed jealously. Ladies, on the other hand, focused on complaining about the high prices and growing problems with getting luxury creams, without which they could not imagine their lives.
The article is an excerpt from the book Two Faces. Private life of the Auschwitz murderers Nina Majewska-Brown. The book has recently been released on the market by Bellona
The war seemed distant and at best a little burdensome in everyday life, and the public was convinced that it was right. We felt that finally, as a nation exhausted by the previous war, we are getting up from our knees and the world should submit to us. After all, the war fueled the boom and it takes place in places that were visited occasionally during holidays. In fact, strangers died there, although, of course, German mothers trembled for the lives of their sons sent there.
I chased away the gloomy thoughts that my Hans, as an SS man, plays the first fiddle in this game. I chased away fear, focusing on the tender words that caressed my ears delightfully. To this day, they ring in my head, making me shudder.
- Ann, I love you more than anything, will you be my wife?
With a sigh of relief, which I hope my fiancé took for emotion, I agreed immediately. Perhaps I did it too eagerly and hurriedly, but such moments do not happen often. I was given a small gold ring with a little pearl, which immediately became my most precious treasure and which I never part with for a moment, along with the promise of undying love and care.
The world suddenly seemed more joyful and colorful. The stars in the heavens twinkled happily, winking at us, promising a magical, sweet life.
Plans for life alongside the SS man
Now we have so many wonderful plans, so many are ahead of us! Home, peace, family, three or even four children. After the previous war that swept across Europe, we all fell out of strength and the country crushed the merciless roller of crisis and apathy. Many hunger, lack of work, livelihood and hopelessness have looked into the eyes and whoever has experienced all this at least once knows how difficult it is to get back up and start living anew. That it is impossible to stop being afraid. We have this chance. A great chance not only for a happy marriage, but also for a career and a comfortable life. In line with the old saying that there is nothing bad that would not work out for good, we are convinced that that war was needed to make us, Germans, realize that only by cooperating we are able to overcome poverty and the lack of prospects. And united, we will not be stopped by anyone or anything.
I dream of a small house with a sloping roof and green shutters, with a garden where I would grow fragrant tea roses, children would play happily with a dog, and Hans would breed his beloved rabbits. I don't know where he is so fond of these hopping creatures, but I have to admit they can be cute.
Cap with the SS symbol - Totenkopf
Papa is very proud, because my Hans not only joined the SS about three years ago, but also was promoted in the last few days. I don't understand exactly what that means, but since my fiancé is so happy with it, I'm also overjoyed. My older sister Elsi, who always thinks she knows everything best, now walks around like a dishonor. Her Günter does not even belong to the SS, he is an ordinary Wehrmacht soldier, and for some reason they did not send him to the front. He was assigned to a nearby unit and, for me, he has nothing to brag about, because being there, at home, has little to do with real war and heroism.
I am proud that Hans can serve the Führer differently, that he is valued and that he really means something. It is extremely important in today's troubled times. His promotion may mean living away from my family, but I am ready for this inevitable step. I know that he loves me, cares for me and will not let anyone hurt me. Now I see him sporadically when he comes to Berlin on leave, and so I would have him with me all the time.
In the evening, before falling asleep, I close my eyes and dream about our new home, about the children, because we assume that, according to the Führer's will, we will have a bunch of little ones, but I am most happy about the wedding. Dreams are the sweetest breeding ground for happiness, but the excess of them takes away my sleep. I can't stop thinking, planning, and the more I think, the larger flocks of restless but joyful butterflies circulate in my stomach.
Book of the SS Houses
Of course we won't get married in church, that's passé. Rather, we think about some lovely wild clearing, maybe a flower meadow where we will swear love, loyalty, mutual care, and that even death will not part us. I wonder what I'll wear. My friends are increasingly giving up white dresses and I am also of the opinion that I do not necessarily have to have one. It seems to me that the fashionable flowery fabrics are more flattering these days.
There is a lot of confusion with the wedding, because Hans dreams of entering us into the great book of SS families. I wonder if the community of families has any special meaning for me, and I am surprised to discover that it does. I am more and more proud of the fact that I am German, and entering this particular book would be the crowning achievement of my life so far. It is like a pass to a higher category of people, to a better world, inaccessible to just anyone, even ordinary compatriots who have no relations with the SS. It is a kind of confirmation of the purity of blood, belonging to a unique Aryan race and a guarantee that our children will have it easier in life - they will not have to prove their origin and will avoid all this trouble with collecting documents, but above all they will become the elite and the future of this country.
Not all women were aware of what really happened in the concentration camps. Others benefited from it
Honestly, now, during the war, it's pretty crazy to get all your birth, marriage and death certificates delivered to the SS Headquarters of Race and Settlement. I have the impression that we, young Germans, do nothing else but create family trees, in which we look at each leaf and root with special attention, reaching "memory" even to the middle of the eighteenth century. This is our case, because Hans, as an officer, has to document our origin since 1750.
- Do you know Aunt Adelaide's parents? - Hans, leaning over the documents, gently bites his pencil.
I hate his unpleasant habit, because he makes all the pencils in the house have tooth marks and you have to hide them from friends and family so that they don't think we're some slackers .
- I have no idea about them.
- Will you ask your mother?
- I can, of course, but I am not sure that she will know anything.
The yellow, warm light of a small lamp hanging above the kitchen table makes the surrounding appliances in a thick shadow. Of course, we could light another lamp, but this one gives the impression of intimacy. In addition, our faces seem more refreshed and fresh in its glow. My mother, as usual, under the pretext of a migraine, with a damp cloth on her forehead, is lying on a chaise longue in the room upstairs, which in my opinion allows her to avoid the burdensome company of her father. I don't know what happened to my happy papa, but for many weeks it has been literally impossible to communicate with him. Has lost interest in anything other than war. He stopped caring for his mother, about us, the house, he always meets his friends in the beer halls, with whom he discusses new aspects of military movements, strategy and politics, speculates how to earn money in the war, as if something depended on him.
As for me, he is an ordinary apothecary who, apart from selling more iodine, bandages and dressings, has little to do with honorable wounds and this whole war. Besides, I don't know what the shout is about. The most important thing is that we win. And if only other nations understood the meaning of what was happening, it would not be so long. In March 1938, the Austrians essentially gave up without firing a shot, understanding that they would not win against us and that we are right, and under our rule the country can only develop economically, or so says Mr Kügel. In my opinion, very rightly so. Thanks to this, they did not risk the life and health of their relatives, losing their homes and property, and perhaps they breathed a sigh of relief that now they belong to a national community like ours. I am convinced that thanks to this, their lives can only get better.
(...)
Good wife
In fact, we should add about one hundred and eighty or more testimonies to the RuSHA of what happened with our ancestors, with whom they mixed blood and joined in love; find two credible witnesses who will testify to our political beliefs, and as a German woman, guardian of the race, I have to undergo a proper six-week marriage course where, in addition to political training, I will learn how to run a home, look after children and raise our offspring in the Nazi spirit so that they may one day join the ranks of the SS.
I'm halfway, well, maybe three-quarters, and I'm very excited. Not only did I learn how to be a good mother, but also a caring, understanding wife, which is especially important now, during the war, when our husbands are exposed to enormous stress. Of course, I was encouraged to have as many children as possible, but they don't really need to persuade me to do that. I've always regretted that my sister and I were only the two of us. I was also explained what we should do so that our children grow up to be proud Germans:how to make them have the right approach to their peers, how to instill in them patriotism, devotion, and sometimes even dedication to the homeland and love for the Führer.
A few days ago, my mother reassured me a little when she mentioned a man who is professionally involved in this search. It is not cheap, but it is certainly better prepared for it than we are and it will be easier for him to obtain the appropriate certificates.
Anyway, I can't wait to apply for marriage, and of course the wedding itself. We had a long discussion with our parents about where we should live. Hans's parents are not particularly wealthy and have only a small apartment at the back of a gloomy townhouse in Ulm, where their youngest son lives with his wife and two small children. I hate these eternally screaming kids who don't respect and don't listen to anyone, so I am inclined to live in Berlin, close to my parents.
- Dear child, how do you imagine living only with Hans?
But I can imagine, the more so that my mother constantly complains about everything and everyone. I think it irritates her that her little daughter is not so small anymore, she starts to live on her own account and, worse, have her own opinion.
(...)
Finally, after unbearably long weeks of waiting, preceded by weeks of collecting documents, for which we paid dearly, we receive the dream consent to the wedding and, to everyone's satisfaction, the decision to enter the SS family book. We are extremely proud of ourselves. At the same time, we are becoming the pride of the family, which, I must admit, is quite a pleasant feeling.
(...)
New assignment
The following weeks, swelling into long, boring months, living with my parents pass imperceptibly and quite pleasantly. My spouse went to work right away on the wedding night and now I walk around the apartment with a big belly, to the joy of my parents and my own. And when I am almost willing to accept that I am stuck with my husband in the family home for good, Hans unexpectedly receives an order to prepare some secret mission and leaves for a few months. I am not particularly happy with it, especially since pregnancy limits me more and more. My belly is disturbingly large and, what's worse, I'm afraid of giving birth more and more every day. I am afraid that the baby will be very big and bringing him into the world will be quite a challenge. In addition, my mother follows me and, like Kassandra, predicts only problems. What would happen next, however, was not even foreseen by her.
On the following Monday, and on the day of the birth, I am assisted by Eva, a midwife who lives next door, but she also seems quite nervous. I don't know what's going on, but I'm starting to stress even more. Imagine our surprise when, instead of one fat baby, I give birth to two little girls, resembling each other like two drops of water, quickly and without any problems. I call them Adele and Anette. Everyone is stunned, and I am most stunned, because never before have there been twins in our or Hans's family!
(...)
Adolf Hitler with his bodyguards
Finally, what I had been waiting for, and which I am so afraid of now, has happened.
On a rainy March Sunday, during a family dinner, when the girls are particularly cranky and unobtrusive, Hans - between asking for salt and commenting that the broth is delicious - declares that he has just been assigned and this time takes me away with you . I look at him stunned, wondering what those words mean to me. Where are we going? What will I be doing there and is it impossible to persuade Berta to travel with us? I feel hot, my palms are sweating, and I start to panic. I feel almost paralyzing fear of leaving, abandoning loved ones, loneliness and living on my own, which I dreamed about so recently. The fear travels down the vertebrae of the spine, dangerously approaching the nape of the neck and pinching the throat. Suddenly, when my dreams come true, as our pre-wedding plan comes true, I tremble with despair. Should I leave my parents and give up their help?
- Are you sure this is a good idea? - I try to make my voice warm, though I can barely make any sounds from my larynx.
- Of course, honey. We'll finally be together. He places a warm, rough hand on top of mine and squeezes my fingers gently. This affectionate gesture makes me follow him to the end of the world, and while the doubts persist, I calm down a bit.
"But I'm not sure if I can handle the kids on my own," I say tearfully.
- Don't bother with this, I'll arrange help for you.
- Really?
- Sure, you'll be able to choose from a long list of candidates. And if one of them fails, you just exchange it for another one.
- If you say so…
- Honey, trust me, have I ever let you down?
- No, of course not.
- You don't even know how important it is to me. Finally, after work, I will be able to rest at home, with you and the children.
- What are you actually doing?
Hans suddenly grows serious as if he were weighing his words, and finally speaks emphatically, implying that I shouldn't ask any more questions:
- I obey orders.
- Oh.
(…)
The article is an excerpt from the book Two Faces. Private life of the Auschwitz murderers Nina Majewska-Brown. The book has recently been released on the market by Bellona
Finally, dinner comes to an end, we sit with cups of coffee on a threadbare sofa, whose floral upholstery still remembers the last Emperor Wilhelm II Hohenzollern, and chat for a while about what awaits us. As Hans continues, his hand on my lap, I feel happier, more important, and more confident, with my mother's protests for nothing. And Hans finally announces:
- We're going to Auschwitz.
I have no idea where it is, what it means or what our apartment will look like, but I agree to anything as long as we stay together.
The article is an excerpt from the book Two Faces. Private life of Nina Majewska-Brown murderers from Auschwitz. The book was recently released on the market by Bellona Publishing House.